Poetry of the Chalk Board

via Fred Langa

Yes, they're silly, often sophomoric, and frequently crude. But I challenge anyone--- anyone--- to read through this list of "Some things Bart Simpson wrote on the blackboard at the start of each episode" without laughing at least once.

Garlic gum is not funny
I will not grease the monkey bars
I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call
I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball
A fire drill does not demand a fire
I will not burp in class
I will not instigate revolution
I will not draw naked ladies in class
I did not see Elvis
I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
They are laughing at me, not with me
I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom
I will not encourage others to fly
I will not fake my way through life
Tar is not a plaything
I will not Xerox my butt
It's potato, not potatoe (a reference to Dan Quayle)
I will not trade pants with others
I am not a 32 year old woman
I will not do that thing with my tongue
I will not drive the principal's car
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
I will not sell school property
I will not cut corners (written only on top line, with hatch marks “ “ on subsequent lines)
I will not skateboard in the halls
I will not get very far with this attitude
I will not make flatulent noises in class
I will not belch the National Anthem
I will not sell land in Florida
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
I will not do anything bad ever again
I will not show off (written in Olde English font)
I will not sleep through my education
I am not a dentist
Spitwads are not free speech
Nobody likes sunburn slappers
High explosives and school don't mix
I will not bribe Principal Skinner
I will not squeak chalk (squeaks the chalk while writing this)
I will finish what I sta (on one line; the rest is blank)
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
I will not fake rabies
Underwear should be worn on the inside
The Christmas Pageant does not stink
I will not torment the emotionally frail
I will not carve gods
I will not spank others
I will not aim for the head
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
I will not conduct my own fire drills
Funny noises are not funny
I will not spin the turtle
I will not snap bras
I will not fake seizures
This punishment is not boring and pointless
My name is not Dr. Death
I will not defame New Orleans (after the city of New Orleans complained about the opening song in "Oh, Streetcar!")
I will not prescribe medication
I will not bury the new kid
I will not teach others to fly
I will not bring sheep to class
A burp is not an answer
Teacher is not a leper
Coffee is not for kids (each line becomes less and less legible; the last line is a scrawl)
I will not eat things for money
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee
I will not call the principal "spud head"
Goldfish don't bounce
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
No one is interested in my underpants
I will not sell miracle cures
I will return the seeing-eye dog
I do not have diplomatic immunity
I will not charge admission to the bathroom
I will never win an Emmy (Seen in the first episode after 1992-93 Emmy nominations were announced, the first time the show was eligible for "Best Comedy Series," but wasn't nominated. The show had won "Best Animated Series" Emmys in the past.)
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
I am not delightfully saucy
Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones (in the 100th episode)
There are plenty of businesses like show business
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
Beans are neither fruit nor musical
I will not use abbrev.
I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.
I will not send lard through the mail
I will not dissect things unless instructed
I will not whittle hall passes out of soap
Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough
Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal
"Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice
Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does
Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
I will not hang donuts on my person
I will remember to take my medication
I will not strut around like I own the place
The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
I do not have power of attorney over first graders
Nerve gas is not a toy
I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface
The First Amendment does not cover burping
This is not a clue...or is it? (in the episode rumored to contain clues to the identity of Mr. Burns' shooter)
I will not complain about the solution when I hear it (in the episode where Mr. Burns’ shooter is revealed)
"Bewitched" does not promote Satanism
No one wants to hear from my armpits
I am not a lean mean spitting machine
The boys room is not a water park
Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things
I will only do this once a year
I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
I am not certified to remove asbestos
I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten
I am not my long-lost twin
The truth is not out there
I am not licensed to do anything
I will not hide the teacher's Prozac
I no longer want my MTV
Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story
I did not invent Irish dancing
I will not tease Fatty
There was no Roman god named "Fartacus"
Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related
Shooting paintballs is not an art form
Pain is not the cleanser
Silly String is not a nasal spray
I was not told to do this
My butt does not deserve a website
I will not demand what I'm worth (a reference to the holdout of the cast for more money)
I will not mess with the opening credits (in place of the couch opening; the rest of the family runs into the classroom)
I am not the new Dalai Lama
I was not the inspiration for "Kramer" (in the episode after the series finale of "Seinfeld")
I will not file frivolous lawsuits
No one cares what my definition of "is" is
I will not scream for ice cream
I am not a licensed hairstylist
"The President did it" is not an excuse (shown the day after President Clinton was impeached)
My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld
Sherri does not "got back"
I will not do the Dirty Bird
No one wants to hear about my sciatica
Hillbillies are people too
Grammar is not a time of waste
It does not suck to be you
I cannot absolve sins
A trained ape could not teach gym
Loose teeth don't need my help
I have neither been there nor done that
I'm so very tired
Fridays are not "pants optional"
Pork is not a verb
I am not the last Don
I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize
I won't not use no double negatives
I can't see dead people
I will not sell my kidney on eBay
I will not create art from dung
I will stop phoning it in
Class clown is not a paid position
Substitute teachers are not scabs
My suspension was not "mutual"
A belch is not an oral report
Dodgeball stops at the gym door
"Non-Flammable" is not a challenge
I was not touched "there" by an angel
I am not here on a fartball scholarship
I will not dance on anyone's grave
I cannot hire a substitute student
I will not obey the voices in my head
I will not plant subliminal messagores
I will not surprise the incontinent
I am not the acting President (a reference to the 2000 Presidential election, whose winner had still not been determined when this episode aired)
I was not the sixth Beatle
I will only provide a urine sample when asked
The nurse is not dealing
Science class should not end in tragedy
Network TV is not dead
I will not "let the dogs out"
I will not hide the teacher's medication
I will not publish the Principal's credit report
The hamster did not have "a full life"
I will not buy a Presidential pardon (a reference to President Clinton granting Presidential pardons to people who made donations to his campaign)
"Temptation Island" was not a sleazy piece of crap
I will not scare the Vice President (reference to Dick Cheney's hospitalization with a heart condition)
I will not flush evidence
Fire is not the cleanser
Genetics is not an excuse
Today is not Mothra's day (aired on Mother's Day, 2001)
I should not be twenty-one by now (Bart would be 21 in the 12th season if he was 10 in the first season, which ended in 1990, and he aged normally)
Nobody reads these anymore
A burp in a jar is not a science project
Fun does not have a size
I am not Charlie Brown on acid
I do not have a cereal named after me (when this episode aired, he did - Bart Simpson Peanut Butter Chocolate Crunch)
I will not bite the hand that feeds me Butterfingers
The giving tree is not a chump
Making Milhouse cry is not a science project
Vampire is not a career choice
I will never lie about being cancelled again (a reference to Matt Groening commenting in an interview that the show was "closer to winding it up." Groening later claimed he was "misquoted")
Fish do not like coffee
Milhouse did not test cootie positive
This school does not need a "regime change"
SpongeBob is not a contraceptive
I will not (Bart then chops up the blackboard with an axe)
My pen is not a booger launcher
Sandwiches should not contain sand
Over forty & single is not funny
I will not speculate on how hot teacher used to be
Poking a dead raccoon is not research
Beer in a milk carton is not milk
A booger is not a bookmark
Does any kid still do this anymore?
I am not smarter than the President
Teacher was not dumped -- it was mutual
I will not laminate dog doo
I will not flip the classroom upside down (classroom is upside-down while Bart writes)
I will not leak the plot of the movie
Je ne parle pas Français
Have a great summer, everyone
Frankincense is not a monster
Global warming did not eat my homework
I will not look up what teacher makes
Pearls are not oyster barf
I will not wait 20 years to make another movie
The Wall Street Journal is better than ever
I am not an FDIC-insured bank
There is no such thing as an iPoddy
The Pilgrims were not illegal aliens
Teacher did not pay too much for her condo
The art teacher is pregnant, not fat
This punishment is not medieval.
The capital of Montana is not "Hannah"